


sans that might sans when sans fights sans

by Yoshichao



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Joke Fic, rated T for SWEARING and sans punching sans in the face, sans and sans have a fistfight in the parking lot while sans and sans and sans watch on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 17:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15977390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshichao/pseuds/Yoshichao
Summary: you 'n me, pal. parking lot behind grillby's. 1am. don't be late.





	sans that might sans when sans fights sans

**Author's Note:**

> the idea of sans trying to beat someone up without magic was really funny to me so i wrote this. thanks for reading

Now, whose boneheaded idea was this?

If Sans is being honest, he's completely forgotten what he and Red were arguing about. Something about... living arrangements? Or condiments? Their brothers? Paradox space? Nope, can't remember. But it must have been something _really_ important, because he's still _extremely_ mad about it! Unbelievably so! And that's why he, Red, and a few other Sanses are standing outside of Grillby's bar at the dead of night.

"wipe that smile off yer face, or i'll come over there an' knock yer teeth out myself." Red rolls up his sleeves threateningly. He, too, still seems to be angry. Does he remember what this fight is about? We do not know, and we perhaps may never know, for this story is not written in his perspective.

"i'm always smiling," Sans points out very helpfully, biding his time as he mentally prepared for this fight. " _we're_ always smiling. you know it's not something i can just stop."

"yer cruisin' for a brusin', vanilla." Red growls and takes a step forward, looking for the perfect opportunity to strike. Normally, Sans would just be his usual self and brush this sort of encounter off with some bad jokes, but... he was just so _angry!_ He WANTS to fight this stupid bonehead!

"whatcha gonna do, huh? break my bones?" See, that's not even really a pun, just a statement about what could happen. Sans raises his fists, ready for anything his opponent could throw at him.

"maybe i will!" Red shoots back, and the two skeletons find themselves strafing around each other as they continue their banter, waiting for the other to throw the first punch. "maybe i'll start with your fuckin' humerus, so ya can't tell anymore of yer shitty puns!"

"NO YOU IDIOT, START WITH HIS KNEECAPS!" Black screeches from the sidelines. Whatever subject this argument spawned from, he has taken Red's side. "IMMOBILIZE HIM, AND MAKE HIM SUFFER FOR HIS INSOLENCE!"

"SANS! DO THAT SECRET MANEUVER WE PRACTICED!!" Blue - who is obviously on Sans' side - gestures vaguely with his hands to demonstrate what he's talking about. Sans gives his more excitable counterpart a wink.

"heh, we gotta be patient, blue. i just need to wait for the right time to bust it out."

"oh? you got a secret maneuver too?" Red asks mockingly. Blackberry scoffs.

"I'M SURE WHATEVER YOU IMBECILES CAME UP WITH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ATTACK THAT I, THE MALEVOLENT S-- BLACK, GRACIOUSLY TAUGHT TO MY PROTÉGÉ! MWEH HEH HEH!"

Red grumbles unintelligibly as Blue responds to Black with: "WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!"

"will someone just hit someone already?!" Axe groans after the two combatants have circled each other for the umpteenth time. Why was he here again? He doesn't seem to be on anyone's side, if the bowl of popcorn he has is any indication. Regardless, he has a point, so Sans rushes forward and catches Red off-guard, landing the most mighty punch he is capable of on Red's dumb face.

"...oh my god, you call that a punch??" Red laughs, and Sans' eyelights go out. "here, lemee show ya a REAL punch."

Red socks Sans in the face, and although he stumbles back, he notices that Red's punch felt like being slapped with a wet noodle. Red seems to recognize this, as his eyelights go out as well, and the two brawling skeletons freeze in place to stare dead-eyed at each other.

Is it, perhaps, a universal constant for all Sanses to be cursed with the inability to do damage in a fistfight?

"this is fuckin' embarrassing," Axe mutters, shoving his bowl of popcorn aside as he gets up off the ground. All the skeletons present watch in confusion as he stomps over to Sans and Red, his single red eyelight flickering in... irritation? Glee? Oh no--

"this is how it's done!" Axe punches Sans in the gut then lifts him up while he's doubled over. He hapazardly throws him at a cackling Red, who yelps as his counterpart falls on top of him, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

"g-get offa me!" Red snarls, trying to shove Sans away. Realizing this is the perfect opportunity to gain the upper hand in their fight, Sans keeps Red pinned down and the two of them wrestle it out on the cement. Blue stomps up to a smug and distracted Axe and wraps his bony arms around his waist.

"NO INTERFERING!!" With a great yell of power, Blue lifts a flailing Axe off the ground and bends over backwards to slam him against the ground behind him. Immediately, Axe snarls and reaches over, grabbing Blueberry's leg and yanking hard, forcing him to trip.

"YES, THAT WAS AN ILLEGAL PLAY! NOW THERE'S AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!" Black dives for the Sans-and-Red pile and grabs Sans by the shoulders, wrenching him away from his "protégé" and tossing him to the ground, before leaping on top of Sans and punching him over and over again. None of the punches even leave a dent. Red gets up and shoves Black off of him.

"hey! nobody asked for your help! this is MY fight!"

Black gasps, then his face twists in rage and betrayal. "YOU INSOLENT--! I TAUGHT YOU ALL MY BEST ATTACKS!"

"yea? well sorry ta break it to ya but yer best attacks _stink._ "

Screeching in fury, Black dives for his similarly edgy counterpart and they immediately start clawing at each other, trying to get a good hold on the other to get the upper hand. Sans crawls out of the crazy Fight Club action going on, wondering if he should call it quits and skedaddle before anyone notices he's not in the fight anymore. Besides, he _really_ doesn't remember what this whole thing was about--

He spots Axe's abandoned popcorn bowl. Suddenly, he feels rejuvenated to stick around.

Axe has Blue in a wicked head lock as he sits on top of him, threatening to break his spine. Sans appears from behind and slams the popcorn bowl over his head. Axe lets go of Blue in shock, which gives Blue the opportunity to kick the other skeleton off of him. Axe topples onto the concrete below, but is immediately upright when he hears the sound of the bowl clattering.

"my popcorn!" Eyelight gone, he turns on Sans, who feels a chill run down his spine. " **y o u .** "

Before Sans could react, Axe leaps at him like a predator, wrestling him to the ground and clawing at any crevice or crack he can find, trying to break something. Eventually, he just settles on biting Sans' arm, who curses in response and increases his efforts to get away. Blue scoots away from the fight now that he been forgotten, feeling a bit guilty for being unable to control his FIGHTING SPIRIT. He's caught off guard when Black starts rushing him.

"BLUE! FIGHT ME!!!" And Black leaps at him, leading them to start rolling across the parking lot as they both struggle to obtain the upper hand. Red has joined Axe in beating up Sans.

"BROTHER? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE???"

All the Sanses freeze, looking up to see their tall brothers suddenly gathered in the parking lot. The Papyruses seem a mixture of concerned and confused at the sight before them. Sans has his arm shoved in Axe's eyesocket. Blue and Black have somehow switched bandannas, and each are missing a boot and glove. Axe's elbow has somehow gotten stuck in the gap in Red's arm. Half of the fur on Red's jacket is strewn around the parking lot, and also in Sans' ribcage for some reason.

"WHEN WE NOTICED YOU WERE ALL GONE, WE CAME LOOKING FOR YOU," Papyrus continues nervously, explaining why they were here even though nobody asked him to. "GRILLBY SAID YOU WERE ALL IN THE BACK... WHICH WE THOUGHT WAS VERY STRANGE, SO WE CAME OUT AND--"

"BROTHER, ARE YOU LOSING THIS FIGHT?!" Edge yells, stomping over to Red and aggressively yanking him away from the others. Red mutters "ow ow ow" as his bones are forcefully untangled from the others'. "YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LAZYBONES! HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM MY LESSONS??"

"s-sorry boss."

"WHATEVER! I, THE TERRIBLE EDGE, WILL MAKE SURE YOU GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME! CREAMPUFF - GET OVER HERE!"

Papyrus looks eager to help with a battle demontration, but Sans manages to throw Axe off of him and stand between the two taller skeletons, sockets dark. "nope, not happening."

Red steps in front of his own brother and glares down Sans. "he's right - sorry boss, but this is MY fight. don't need any demonstrations right now."

"WHAT?!" Edge makes a strangled sound of anger at the blatant dismissal. Red sweats a bit in nervousness, but keeps his gaze trained on Sans, as if they were trapped in a staring contest. Which was not nearly as fun or gratifying as beating each other up with their stupid baby punches. Hopefully, they will get an opportunity to throw hands again soon enough.

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT?" Papyrus asks, which is absolutely a reasonable question to ask in this situation, and for a moment it seems like nobody heard him. But then Blue (now untangled from Black) looks away from his conversation with his bro with a furrowed brow.

"UMM... I CAN'T... ACTUALLY REMEMBER?"

"YOU IMBECILE!" Black puts his hands on his hips and takes a step away from his own brother's side. "HOW COULD YOU FORGET?! IT... IT WAS..." Skull glowing a faint purple, he turns sharply to face Red. "PROTÉGÉ! TELL THEM WHAT SUBJECT THESE FOOLS WERE SO PITIFULLY WRONG ABOUT!"

"told ya to stop callin' me that..." Red grumbles, then as he goes to answer the question, his expression suddenly freezes and a bead of sweat manifests on his skull. "it was, uh... ... ...shit."

"YOU FORGOT?!" Red winces at Edge's voice and chuckles awkwardly.

"are you guys serious?" Axe asks disbelievingly, lone eyelight landing on Sans in particular. When Sans says nothing, Axe lets out a short laugh. "oh my god, are you guys _serious??_ none of you remember why you're out here and all bloodthirsty for each other?"

"IF YOU REMEMBER, THEN JUST SAY IT!" Black demands, before adding: "N-NOT THAT I NEED THE REMINDER - THE MALEVOLENT SANS HAS AN IMPECCABLE MEMORY! MWEH HEH HEH!"

Axe slaps a hand to his skull and exhales deeply. "fine, guess i have to be the one to say it. this idiot--" He vaguely gestures to Sans. "--was just flippin' through channels and i guess SOMETHIN' triggered this stupid dumbass thought he decided to voice aloud. it was, and i quote: _'y'know, wannabe really IS the spice girls' best song'._ "

The floodgates were opened, and the memories came rushing back all at once. "oh yeah, i guess i did say that," Sans says as he scratches at his skull. How could he have forgotten that?

"WHAT? AND YOU HAD AN ARGUMENT ABOUT _THAT??_ " Baffled and just _so done_ with these events, Edge throws his arms up in the air. "YOU MORONS! EVERYBODY KNOWS 'SAY YOU'LL BE THERE' IS THE BEST ONE!"

"that's what i said!" Red replies, with a similarly exasperated tone. Ah yes, the tensions are returning in waves.

"i always preferred 'hollaback girl'," Stretch chimes in as he goes to light a cigarette. With a gasp, Blue snatches it from him and gives him a stern look.

"BROTHER! THAT'S NOT EVEN _BY_ THE SPICE GIRLS!!!"

"it's not? well, guess that wasn't as _spicy_ a take as i thought."

Surprisingly, there are more groans around the skeleton circle than usual.

"c'mon man, this is serious," Sans says. For the first time tonight, Red agrees with him.

"vanilla's right, either get serious or _get out._ "

"WELL, I FOR ONE HAVE TO AGREE WITH MY BROTHER ON THIS ONE!" Papyrus says, a bit too lightheartedly for the current atmosphere. "'WANNABE' IS SO CATCHY! 'SAY YOU'LL BE THERE' IS GREAT TOO... BUT NOT AS GREAT!"

Black lets out a high-pitched groan upon hearing _yet another_ person who disagrees with his opinion. "I WONDER HOW IT FEELS TO BE SO UTTERLY _WRONG!_ "

"i dunno, you tell me." Sans punctuates his sentence with a wink. Black lets out another screech then whips around to face his brother.

"MUTT! YOU AGREE WITH ME, DON'T YOU?!"

"of course, milord." (He doesn't, actually.)

Black lets out a triumphant laugh as he whirls to face the other skeletons. "SEE? NOW YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED! THAT MEANS YOUR OPINION IS WRONG!"

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!" Blueberry huffs.

"RIGHT!" Papyrus agrees, still among the most cheerful of the bunch. "NOW WE MUST PARTAKE IN A VERY VIOLENT DUEL TO PROVE OUR SUPERIORITY OVER THE OTHER SIDE, AND THEN EVENTUALLY HAVE THE BATTLE DEVOLVE INTO CHAOS BECAUSE WE JUST LIKE PRACTICING OUR BATTLE TECHNIQUES TOGETHER! ...AND AIRING OUT THE BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US."

"this is so stupid i'm out of here," Axe grumbles, picking up his empty popcorn bowl and storming off. His own brother follows him despite having his own opinions in the Spice War, officially losing his chance to say any lines in this fic. Stretch starts eating popcorn off the ground as the other skeletons get into fighting stances.

The following day, Sans, Papyrus, Red, Edge, Blueberry, and Blackberry form their new band: the Spice Skeles. The winner of the previous night's duel has been lost to the pages of history.


End file.
